In other words, good manners.
Peggy Post comments that a lot of people these days believe good manners are a thing of the past, that "polite society has breathed its last breath." But she disagrees, and says three things, honesty, respect, and consideration, are mainstays, no matter what else is going on in the world or around us. (See AARPmagazine. org, May and June 2010 edition for full article).
So how does that apply to Relationships and getting what you want in your relationships?
Let's take a quick tour of a couple of issues confronting dating partners these days, and define "good manners".
He Shows Up At Your Door in the Middle of the Night--Without Calling First
You know what he wants, don't you? So why would you accept this behavior? Are you that needy? Unless you have a close and committed relationship, and the two of you have defined this as an acceptable behavior both ways (you can drop in on him, he can drop in on you for whatever reason), it is bad manners.
Consequence: if he can drop in whenever for whatever, then expect him to expect you always to be available and at his beck and call. He will come to believe you are available whenever he is available, and when it is only convenient for him.
Solution: Until you decide whether you want a committed relationship with this guy, and until you have defined what's okay, and what's not, then ask him to call first. In other words, he needs to "make an appointment" with you, because (a) you have a life and a right to privacy, and (b) that's what gentlemen who value their lady friends or lovers, do! Not only is it respectful, it will save him the embarrassment of finding somebody else in your bed!
Texting and Telephoning during Tete-a-Tete
So we're all connected these days, but come on! Are you that desperate for a night out, that you'd tolerate this? If he's texting and telephoning during a date, in the middle of a conversation, pre and post intimacy, over dinner: how much do you think he is paying attention to YOU? Would you stand for him bringing 13 other people along on a cozy evening out or into your bedroom? If you said No--but he's texting and telephoning and whassup-ing his boys--then get real: 13 (or more) people are sharing your date. That is not only bad manners, it is downright rude!
Consequence: If you go along with this behavior (or if you're doing it yourself), then neither of you will have the opportunity to get to know one another. How do people get to know one another? Uh, through conversation, talking to each other--not their social network! If you don't turn the mobiles off, then don't ever expect to find out what you need to know about him now, and what you might need to know about him, as time goes on. Further, expect him to treat you as an appendage, like an arm or a leg, taking you for granted; or like one of the boys, instead of someone quite special and important.
Solution:
Turn the mobiles off, yours included. If either of you have kids who might need to reach you, or you are on-call for a job (like an EMT, or elder care-giver), put the mobiles on silent. Rather than telling him he is rude for T&T during TaT, tell him you want to give him all of YOUR attention, and you'd certainly like to think you have all of HIS attention. If you are going to be considerate enough to give this man your time and undivided attention, then he should be considerate enough to honor you with his! You're worth the honor!
He Plays Hide The Ball
As in, you spend hours and hours guessing where he is, what he's doing, and who he's with, especially when you are supposed to be together. If you accept this behavior, well sister, you are in denial! If he tells you to get off his back, it's none of your business, you're not his mother, those are red flags. That is, unless you're a stalker: if so, then you do need to get off his back and out of his life, before the Law comes after you. But if his guy thinks he's "dating" you, especially if he is "sleeping" with you and exclusively, you are entitled to honesty. And you do need to know certain things about him, like:
- Where does he work and does he actually work and bring home a paycheck
- What's his family like, and how many ex-wives does he have
- Does he have children, pay child-support, or is he on the lam?
- Does he own a car? Does he have a driver's license--or is it suspended or revoked, because he is reckless and chronically DUI?
- Is he still in touch with his old girlfriend, and how? By phone, email, text, or once a month at her apartment and in her bed?
Consequence:
If you tolerate dishonesty, then you will live a miserable life. Okay, sometimes white lies are told. Sometimes, a whopper pops up, like maybe once every five years, for stupid reasons. But if you suspect your date-mate is lying to you on a regular basis, and you either refuse to confront it, or you dismiss it as "boys will be boys", then honey, you live in la-la land, and a rude awakening is just around the corner.
Solution:
If you suspect your guy is a chronic liar, put some space between you--like about as large as the universe. Chronic liars are pathological, and cannot change without professional help, and even that may not work. If he tells white lies or a once-in-awhile whopper, give him a chance to explain. He may be afraid if you know the truth, he will lose you. In that case, you have to show him he can trust you with his emotions, worries, and feelings. Remember, honesty is key to a successful relationship. Being honest, however, is not always comfortable for the speaker or the listener. What he says, you may not like hearing. It might even mean the difference between staying together and working it out, or going your separate ways. But, while it is uncomfortable to be honest--and to receive honesty from another--it is certainly more polite and quite civil, in the long run.
If you have an example of bad dating manners, send it in! Tell us what you learned, and how you solved the problem. Meanwhile, go about your day and your dating life, with love!
--- Posted Catherine Rain, Certified Professional Coach 7/30/2010
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