It is. Every day, every week, every month, every year. A better here, a worse there, a series of ups and downs and all arounds.
Yet, so many of us think the minute we find a man or get married, life will be eternally "better." Then surprise, surprise: we react like deer in the proverbial headlights when we discover the "worse"--that marriage is not a ride into the sunset, Prince Charming doesn't exist. And forget the White Horse! Paying for gas and keeping the engine of the beat up, down and out old car you drive lubed and running is chore enough--who needs to feed and brush a horse, too?
A couple of weeks ago I created and posted a midlifeventures ad on google/you tube. It was titled Find Your Life, Find Your Love. To find your love, you have to first find your life, and acknowledge a couple of things: foremost, that life in and of itself is not perfect. It consists of happy and unhappy experiences, and is filled with joy and sorrow sprinkled with a few highs and lows.
A man you love--and who loves you back--may help you navigate life's imperfections, peaks and valleys. But he cannot guarantee you anything more than life itself promises.
If you've met a man of interest, have a boyfriend, are contemplating marriage, think about a couple of things, and then as my video says, be smart and use common sense.
A Couple of Smart and Common Sense Questions
Ask yourself a couple of "smart" and "common sense" questions:
- What is good about your life now and what will make it better?
- How can this man further the "better" in your life?
- Can you accept that life is a bowl of cherries--with, or without a man, occasionally you will bite into a pit or two?
- If you accept this concept, can you also accept that life with a man will be a series of ups and downs, happy and unhappy times, better and worse? That nothing in this world is permanently perfect? And nothing in this world is permanently imperfect. It is a mixture of both--with other things thrown in!
- If you accept that, then can you make relationship decisions based on reality not fantasy? That your life is what you make it, whether you have a man or not?
Think about these things. Identify what you want in life. That may sound rather global and non-specific, but it isn't really. Somewhere inside of you, you know exactly what you want.
Don't qualify what you want in terms of a person. Rather, qualify the traits you are seeking in a mate that best match your life desires. If you are warm, loving, and openly affectionate, chances are you won't be happy with a man who is remote, distant, or unable to verbally communicate his thoughts, desires, hopes, or unhappiness to you.
Identify your core values: what is important to you in terms of a relationship, your emotional and physical health, your personal and professional goals, and your spirituality?
Qualify the traits your man possesses that best match your own--and be honest! Too many mates today believe they can change the other's dreams, desires, character, and traits. Some things can change: a person with a substance abuse addiction, for example, through treatment, can learn skills and coping mechanisms that help them to give up the addiction. As we age, we gain maturity, and that may settle us down into family life. However, there are some things that never change, and believing a love relationship or marriage will force a square peg into a round hole is unrealistic, and perhaps even heartbreaking, when it doesn't happen.
Don't delude yourself into thinking that a permanent relationship ensures your happiness. Happiness is what you make of life, good or bad, for better or worse! With or without a man!
If you are realistic, smart, and use common sense, chances are you will find a man who is a good match to your traits and core beliefs. And chances are even greater that you will keep him--provided you both understand better and worse is a part of life, and how you navigate life is more important, than what happens in life!
Happy hunting!
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