I am sure I have many faults, among them my propensity to binge on books. Yes, I am an avid, if not chronic, if not addicted consumer of the written word. Rarely does a day go by that I do not have in-progress a book or two or three at hand.
While I am constantly reading, the subject matter varies and comes in waves of over-indulgence, much as a binge drinker loads him or her self up on a weekend's worth of booze. I might bury myself in True Crime for two or three weeks on end. Then full-up on that, I switch to a month of biographies, followed by a trunk-full of classics, and then maybe several volumes of letters and memoirs.
And it is the letters and memoirs that brings me to the latest ideas I have about men and women. A couple of weeks ago, breaking from the world, my husband and I set out for a little lake house we own in Central Florida. Aimless as I was that weekend, we decided to get in the car and just go, with no particular destination in mind.
We came upon the small town of Cross Creek, then toured Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings' home and property. My library is vast, and I vaguely remembered having purchased a volume of the published letters she'd written to her husband, Norton Baskin.
I had not read the letters yet, having had my fill of letters before getting to hers, after completing a couple of volumes of Hemingway's and Fitzgerald's. When we returned home, I dove into the book, and am utterly consumed.
As a woman writer, I find myself entranced with the truth of a woman writer's life as Rawlings efficaciously portrays in her often daily letters to her husband. Granted,she made her life a tad more difficult than even I would make my own, keeping three residences, including the many-acred Cross Creek with its orange groves and a working farm.
Unlike Virginia Woolf, who cried for a "room of her own" to do her own work, undisturbed by the world as men did their work, Rawlings possessed far more than a room of her own among her residences. Yet, even the many rooms available to her did not facilitate her writing as Woolf might have imagined--if not fantasized--it would, for any member of the gentler sex.
Rawlings' description of her life strikes hard comparison to Hemingway's life in letters. Rawlings struggles constantly to keep up with her writing while at the same time managing a farm, its tenant farmers, and a very difficult daily life during the war years. Post World War II finds her exhausted from managing her career in tandem with her homes and family, while suffering increasingly poor health. She tries, but cannot restrain herself from giving advice, worry or money to family members, employees, or members of the community in need. If it is not enough to shoot rattle snakes encroaching at the door, then imagine a woman of her stature (she had already won a Pulitzer)left to cook and clean for herself because of the difficulties of maintaining good help (of course, Marjorie was not easy to work for).
In her letters, I hear her breathlessness, hear my own breathlessness, because a woman's life as a writer--or wage earner of any kind--is often a breathless existence.
Hemingway, like many men of his generation, my father's generation, and even at times, my husband and sons' generations, tended to go at his work as if nothing else mattered. In between creating great works, he lived. He lived magnificently, whether he was lounging in the South of France, running with the bulls in Pamplona, big game hunting in Africa, or plowing the waters of the Dry Tortugas.
He most definitely did not shuttle from family member to family member, easing small and large heartaches. He certainly did not worry about the management of his household, his laundry, or his meals. He worked, and then he enjoyed.
This morning, as the Florida sun rose over the Atlantic, I mentioned this to my husband, while we drank coffee on the back porch. I'm not sure he understood what I was saying--other than, he finally could acknowledge that whether women want to or not, we seek, form and then struggle to not only maintain relationships but also to "feed" them constantly, with nurturing or stove-cooked meals. We work--and then we work some more.
Why is that, my husband wondered. That women can't just cut loose, when the work is done?
Well, first the work is never done. Second, we aren't made that way: where men seek companionship, women need relationships--whether with spouses, children, family, or other women friends. Saving and savoring those relationships means we give away our hearts and souls,our sleep and mental peace, and possibly even the best of our creativity.
I might never run with the bulls--in fact, I can guarantee I'm not so foolhardy. Yet I wouldn't mind fishing the Tortugas like Hemingway, or even growing my own celery, like Rawlings. However, my work is never done, and I don't see that it ever will be, at least not long enough to squeeze in one more thing like game fishing or running a Creek of my own.
The work does go on, however...
Read more!
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Diva Celebration 2009
Heads up, Readers: I belong to a great group of women through an on-line social networking site called Diva Celebration 2009. I also write for Diva publisher Extreme Diva Media, Inc. as a contributor to their G2G-ezine (Girlfriend to Girlfriend).
Diva Celebration promotes uplifting and joyful books, ezines, and products for women, by women. They also offer opportunities for women to promote their own businesses. As well, Diva Celebration sponsors speaker bureaus and training opportunities for women across the country.
At Diva Celebration, you can join discussion groups for Stressed Out Moms, or even a group I started on Midlife Remarriage. If you have a topic of interest you want to discuss with a fun group of savvy and sensitive women, then just start a discussion of your own!
There are no fees or dues to belong to Diva Celebration--just sign in on their secure server, get your password. Jean Ann Duckworth, publisher, also offers you a free Blog site.
Diva has become a routine part of my daily life. Doesn't matter how great or lousy I feel, Diva always picks me up! I think you will enjoy Diva too, if you sign up!
Check out Diva Celebration and the latest issue of G2G at http://divacelebration.ning.com or www.divacelebration.com.
Let me know what you think of the site and all Jean Ann has to offer us ladies--or should I say, DIVAS!
Read more!
Diva Celebration promotes uplifting and joyful books, ezines, and products for women, by women. They also offer opportunities for women to promote their own businesses. As well, Diva Celebration sponsors speaker bureaus and training opportunities for women across the country.
At Diva Celebration, you can join discussion groups for Stressed Out Moms, or even a group I started on Midlife Remarriage. If you have a topic of interest you want to discuss with a fun group of savvy and sensitive women, then just start a discussion of your own!
There are no fees or dues to belong to Diva Celebration--just sign in on their secure server, get your password. Jean Ann Duckworth, publisher, also offers you a free Blog site.
Diva has become a routine part of my daily life. Doesn't matter how great or lousy I feel, Diva always picks me up! I think you will enjoy Diva too, if you sign up!
Check out Diva Celebration and the latest issue of G2G at http://divacelebration.ning.com or www.divacelebration.com.
Let me know what you think of the site and all Jean Ann has to offer us ladies--or should I say, DIVAS!
Read more!
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Divorce Wars
I've heard some pretty raunchy stories lately. Not the snickering kind, or the type that makes you blush or politely cough into your hand.
Rather, these stories have to do with the ongoing battles between separating or divorced husbands and wives. Long ago, in polite society (and rarely, these days, do we, as a society, appear even remotely polite), we called these couples estranged.
A secondary definition by Webster's defines the word "estranged" as "to turn (a person) from an affectionate or friendly attitude to an indifferent, unfriendly, or hostile one..." (Webster's New World Dictionary, Second College Edition, Prentice Hall Press).
Obviously, if you are divorced or getting there, you probably do feel little affection and much indifference toward your departing or former spouse. But hostile?
Okay, so he's dishonest. He's rewritten your shared history to justify his actions and explain away his disaffection. He's a cad, a bum. Lazy, less than romantic, stone age,a low-achiever, a leach. Any or all of the above.
Maybe, you even recognize, the two of you together couldn't get anything right, not even an amateur tango.
Yet, what is to be gained from hostility?
My mother grew up in a time when access to self-help books was pretty limited, if not unheard of. She owned Dr. Spock--a book on child rearing not space travel--and maybe an etiquette book that displayed proper table settings or suggested the mannerly language necessary to refuse an awkward invitation.
And forget media-features like Oprah or Dr. Phil. Day time TV in my growing up years consisted of talk shows like Merv Griffin's--great for an afternoon laugh and a bit of entertainment--not much by way of help with the larger issues of life, such as marriage and divorce.
In absence of mass media focus on self-help-speak and psychology, my mother created her own psychological language designed to teach us, her children, the lessons of life. She adopted this language--actually a bunch of "sayings"--from her mother, her grandmother, and others in her family line.
These were sayings you've probably heard, are familiar with, and maybe in a pinch, even use today. Such as:
"The buck stops here."
"What goes around, comes around."
"Don't cut off your nose to spite your face."
"Every dog has its day."
When I think of hostile ex-spouses brawling over linen table cloths, the family silver, the kids--especially the kids--I find myself asking: Don't these people, this Him/this Her, recognize:
1. They are refusing to take responsibility for the part each of them played in the marital demise (i.e. the buck indeed stops on your plate and his!). Like a tango, even between amateurs, it takes two. It is never wholly one or the other--even if your ex or soon-to-be is in prison. Somewhere along the line, intuition nudged you. Something wasn't quite right, yet you didn't address it, remedy it, or leave the bum sooner than later. It may not be your fault or all your fault. It may be mainly his--but you did contribute, perhaps even in ways you didn't recognize at the time. If you played a part, acknowledge it, respect it, own it, and then rebuild.
2. If you back stab, gossip, tell lies or even the truth about your ex, then expect the same treatment in kind (what goes around, does come around and hit you right between the eyes!). It may take every bit of your self-control and will power to maintain your dignity and not retaliate. You might think you'd feel better if you tit-for-tatted your way through this--but at the end of the day, you won't. Sooner or later, your own behavior will haunt you in ways you don't want to think about.
3. If you purposefully delay legal proceedings to get even, stonewall, or try desperately to hang onto a man who doesn't want you anymore, then expect to pay ever-increasing legal fees, perhaps go into debt yourself, and also delay your ability to control your life and make a fresh start (cut off your nose, and it will leave an ugly scar on your face). Do what you need to do to protect yourself--but don't try to rob him of what belongs to him, or think that by threatening financial ruin he'll come back if he doesn't want you anymore. Some men do come back--either because they never wanted to leave in the first place; or only to leave again.
4. Don't get revenge. If he treated you badly, wiped out your 401K, cheated on you, drank himself silly, or was just a lousy lover, sooner or later, his life will catch up with him (every bad dog finds the nasty bone!). Don't diminish yourself, in the process. Keep your perspective. A Woman's Revenge comes in many shapes and forms, none of them attractive. She can nag (or worse), withhold visitation, talk through the children, send bills that have little to do with alimony or child support, kill his new relationship, interfere with his work by telling tales to his boss. All of these things make you look like a Bitter Woman, with sour grapes to sell. Sooner or later, not only will he ignore you, but everyone you know will avoid you, as well. In fact, they may even sympathize with him.
Like my mother always said, "You can't get blood from a turnip." So, stop squeezing, its easier on the arms--and the heart, mind and soul.
Instead of squeezing, instead of engendering hostility, forgive and forget. Forgive him for his ignorance, forgive yourself for not seeing the "real him" --or even the "real you" as a couple, before it was too late. Some marriages do need to end.
And then forget, by letting go of the past, and moving on with your wonderful future!
Read more!
Rather, these stories have to do with the ongoing battles between separating or divorced husbands and wives. Long ago, in polite society (and rarely, these days, do we, as a society, appear even remotely polite), we called these couples estranged.
A secondary definition by Webster's defines the word "estranged" as "to turn (a person) from an affectionate or friendly attitude to an indifferent, unfriendly, or hostile one..." (Webster's New World Dictionary, Second College Edition, Prentice Hall Press).
Obviously, if you are divorced or getting there, you probably do feel little affection and much indifference toward your departing or former spouse. But hostile?
Okay, so he's dishonest. He's rewritten your shared history to justify his actions and explain away his disaffection. He's a cad, a bum. Lazy, less than romantic, stone age,a low-achiever, a leach. Any or all of the above.
Maybe, you even recognize, the two of you together couldn't get anything right, not even an amateur tango.
Yet, what is to be gained from hostility?
My mother grew up in a time when access to self-help books was pretty limited, if not unheard of. She owned Dr. Spock--a book on child rearing not space travel--and maybe an etiquette book that displayed proper table settings or suggested the mannerly language necessary to refuse an awkward invitation.
And forget media-features like Oprah or Dr. Phil. Day time TV in my growing up years consisted of talk shows like Merv Griffin's--great for an afternoon laugh and a bit of entertainment--not much by way of help with the larger issues of life, such as marriage and divorce.
In absence of mass media focus on self-help-speak and psychology, my mother created her own psychological language designed to teach us, her children, the lessons of life. She adopted this language--actually a bunch of "sayings"--from her mother, her grandmother, and others in her family line.
These were sayings you've probably heard, are familiar with, and maybe in a pinch, even use today. Such as:
"The buck stops here."
"What goes around, comes around."
"Don't cut off your nose to spite your face."
"Every dog has its day."
When I think of hostile ex-spouses brawling over linen table cloths, the family silver, the kids--especially the kids--I find myself asking: Don't these people, this Him/this Her, recognize:
1. They are refusing to take responsibility for the part each of them played in the marital demise (i.e. the buck indeed stops on your plate and his!). Like a tango, even between amateurs, it takes two. It is never wholly one or the other--even if your ex or soon-to-be is in prison. Somewhere along the line, intuition nudged you. Something wasn't quite right, yet you didn't address it, remedy it, or leave the bum sooner than later. It may not be your fault or all your fault. It may be mainly his--but you did contribute, perhaps even in ways you didn't recognize at the time. If you played a part, acknowledge it, respect it, own it, and then rebuild.
2. If you back stab, gossip, tell lies or even the truth about your ex, then expect the same treatment in kind (what goes around, does come around and hit you right between the eyes!). It may take every bit of your self-control and will power to maintain your dignity and not retaliate. You might think you'd feel better if you tit-for-tatted your way through this--but at the end of the day, you won't. Sooner or later, your own behavior will haunt you in ways you don't want to think about.
3. If you purposefully delay legal proceedings to get even, stonewall, or try desperately to hang onto a man who doesn't want you anymore, then expect to pay ever-increasing legal fees, perhaps go into debt yourself, and also delay your ability to control your life and make a fresh start (cut off your nose, and it will leave an ugly scar on your face). Do what you need to do to protect yourself--but don't try to rob him of what belongs to him, or think that by threatening financial ruin he'll come back if he doesn't want you anymore. Some men do come back--either because they never wanted to leave in the first place; or only to leave again.
4. Don't get revenge. If he treated you badly, wiped out your 401K, cheated on you, drank himself silly, or was just a lousy lover, sooner or later, his life will catch up with him (every bad dog finds the nasty bone!). Don't diminish yourself, in the process. Keep your perspective. A Woman's Revenge comes in many shapes and forms, none of them attractive. She can nag (or worse), withhold visitation, talk through the children, send bills that have little to do with alimony or child support, kill his new relationship, interfere with his work by telling tales to his boss. All of these things make you look like a Bitter Woman, with sour grapes to sell. Sooner or later, not only will he ignore you, but everyone you know will avoid you, as well. In fact, they may even sympathize with him.
Like my mother always said, "You can't get blood from a turnip." So, stop squeezing, its easier on the arms--and the heart, mind and soul.
Instead of squeezing, instead of engendering hostility, forgive and forget. Forgive him for his ignorance, forgive yourself for not seeing the "real him" --or even the "real you" as a couple, before it was too late. Some marriages do need to end.
And then forget, by letting go of the past, and moving on with your wonderful future!
Read more!
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Swine Flu and the Media: Hype or Help?
As if we didn’t have enough to worry about, now we’re wringing our hands over the flu.
The Swine Flu. The H1N1. The pandemic flu—well, almost.
According to a couple of folks I’ve chatted with this week, this flu thing is no big deal. Nothing more than media hype. More entertainment than news. More info than we now or ever will, need.
But is it “just hype”? Or, is the media playing an important and helpful role in our overall, national emergency management plan?
A few years ago, I had the opportunity to evaluate a couple of emergency management plans. Based on what I learned as part of that process, let me encourage you to pay attention to the media now, even if you’ve blown them off in the past. The information and service they are providing is far more help than contrived, hype.
Effective emergency management consists of four important phases: Planning, Preparation, Response and Recovery. Since 2001, our federal, state and local governments have been developing plans to address a variety of disasters including pandemic disease.
With the declaration of a public health emergency, our nation is now in a state of preparation. Preparation includes the release of critical antiviral stockpiles, positioning equipment, resources and people to respond, and beginning the process of developing a vaccine responsive to this particular flu strain.
Preparation also applies to you. One tenet of emergency management is “Prepare for the Worst, Hope for the Best.” Living in hurricane-country, I can assure you it is worth it to do the preparation thing.
For years, now, my husband and I have maintained a “Go Box.” Our Go Box is filled with things we’d need in the event of a sudden evacuation, or the loss of our home to flood waters or wind damage, including medical supplies and important papers. Even our doggies have their own Go Boxes (purchased at our Vet’s office).
This week, my husband and I listened to the media. Recognized, based on our past work experience, that this wasn’t hype but help. That we should “Prepare for the Worst” but go about our daily lives with as much normalcy as possible while “Hoping for the Best.”
So, we restocked our Go Boxes—this time with surgical grade masks, latex gloves, extra packets of meds for upper and lower intestinal problems, and ibuprofen for aches and pains. We replenished hydrating drinks like Gator Aide and Propel, and stomach-settlers such as coke-based products. We increased our inventories of hand disinfectants and cleaning supplies to sanitize baths and food preparation areas. We also loaded up on extra doggie food, saltines, Jell-O, and so on.
Essentially, we invested in the things we might need to treat someone in our family with H1N1, as well as to keep the rest of our family members as protected as possible against infection. We wanted to be able to take care of our pets and ourselves in the event things get so difficult, that we cannot, easily or comfortably, run down the street to restock.
I’d encourage all readers to check out the CDC website to see what you should have on hand, in case you or someone in your family becomes ill.
Read more!
The Swine Flu. The H1N1. The pandemic flu—well, almost.
According to a couple of folks I’ve chatted with this week, this flu thing is no big deal. Nothing more than media hype. More entertainment than news. More info than we now or ever will, need.
But is it “just hype”? Or, is the media playing an important and helpful role in our overall, national emergency management plan?
A few years ago, I had the opportunity to evaluate a couple of emergency management plans. Based on what I learned as part of that process, let me encourage you to pay attention to the media now, even if you’ve blown them off in the past. The information and service they are providing is far more help than contrived, hype.
Effective emergency management consists of four important phases: Planning, Preparation, Response and Recovery. Since 2001, our federal, state and local governments have been developing plans to address a variety of disasters including pandemic disease.
With the declaration of a public health emergency, our nation is now in a state of preparation. Preparation includes the release of critical antiviral stockpiles, positioning equipment, resources and people to respond, and beginning the process of developing a vaccine responsive to this particular flu strain.
Preparation also applies to you. One tenet of emergency management is “Prepare for the Worst, Hope for the Best.” Living in hurricane-country, I can assure you it is worth it to do the preparation thing.
For years, now, my husband and I have maintained a “Go Box.” Our Go Box is filled with things we’d need in the event of a sudden evacuation, or the loss of our home to flood waters or wind damage, including medical supplies and important papers. Even our doggies have their own Go Boxes (purchased at our Vet’s office).
This week, my husband and I listened to the media. Recognized, based on our past work experience, that this wasn’t hype but help. That we should “Prepare for the Worst” but go about our daily lives with as much normalcy as possible while “Hoping for the Best.”
So, we restocked our Go Boxes—this time with surgical grade masks, latex gloves, extra packets of meds for upper and lower intestinal problems, and ibuprofen for aches and pains. We replenished hydrating drinks like Gator Aide and Propel, and stomach-settlers such as coke-based products. We increased our inventories of hand disinfectants and cleaning supplies to sanitize baths and food preparation areas. We also loaded up on extra doggie food, saltines, Jell-O, and so on.
Essentially, we invested in the things we might need to treat someone in our family with H1N1, as well as to keep the rest of our family members as protected as possible against infection. We wanted to be able to take care of our pets and ourselves in the event things get so difficult, that we cannot, easily or comfortably, run down the street to restock.
I’d encourage all readers to check out the CDC website to see what you should have on hand, in case you or someone in your family becomes ill.
Read more!
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Happy Birthday! Celebrating Our First Birthday: Changes Coming at Midlifeventures!
Readers and fellow bloggers, on April 11, Midlifeventures.com celebrates its first birthday. Looking back, I'm more than amazed when I think it was only a year ago I launched a website dedicated to women in midlife transition. At the time, Midlifeventures consisted of nothing more than an idea, a hope, a dream.
Since its arrival, much has happened in my life, all to the good and most definitely positive! To celebrate its first birthday as well as my own midlife transition, in the next couple of weeks Midlifeventures.com, too, will transition and reframe its life, and intensify its focus!
Changes include
Read more!
Since its arrival, much has happened in my life, all to the good and most definitely positive! To celebrate its first birthday as well as my own midlife transition, in the next couple of weeks Midlifeventures.com, too, will transition and reframe its life, and intensify its focus!
Changes include
- Streamlined Blog entries so readers can easily find topics of interest
- Expansion of Book Reviews and Resources for midlife women in transition
- Addition of a Life Tools page for women in transition and
- Addition of information about Life Coaching services available through Midlifeventures
Keep an eye on us as we bloom and grow! We are interested in readers' feedback--so let us know if there is a topic of interest you'd like addressed or more information about. We are here to serve and support you through your midlife transition, and eagerly invite your commentary!
Read more!
Thursday, March 26, 2009
When You Do That Voodoo, You Do
Okay, now we’re getting somewhere. I come from Cajun-Country, born in a hospital sounding more like a gay Paris get-away than a reverent ministry managed by a group of nuns: Hôtel Dieu. My mother lived her early life in an across-the-river place called Algiers. To get from there to New Orleans, she rode the ferry.
Her family of origin devolves from Sicily and Northern Italy. To listen to her, though, one would think she drew from the Bayou swamps, a jambalaya reprise of the Fates, those Greek witches who pulled and manipulated the strings of humanity. Truth is, the only cauldron my mother ever stirred contained a boisterous Crawfish Etouffe or an outrageous Gumbo. Yet, if you cross her, get in her way, try to beat her at cards, she mutters under her breath, flings her fingers in your face, and puts the Cree-Cree on you. A spell. A voodoo-thing.
That or she says a million Novenas.
It’s the voodoo thing, I’m interested in, though. Because voodoo, according to popular culture, is the magic that makes men “fall down-down-down” and “spin round-round-round,” as if they had no control whatsoever over their senses and personal will power about women and love, or lust.
Well, maybe they don’t.
But then, do women either?
I guess it depends on whether you consider "love" a bit of black magic, insanity, or something that drives us to hook up with someone who makes us feel as if we couldn't live another day without them.
Let's start with the insanity defense: in a 2008 press release, The British Psychological Society pondered love as a sickness.[1] The Brits remarked it has only been in the last 200 years medical doctors ceased considering love a clinical diagnosis. Now, however, practitioners are revisiting what was otherwise thought to be an ancient, misguided, if not ridiculous assumption.
Love, after all, does indeed cloud our decision-making, and steer us through a range of emotions and mood swings, all of which smell, taste and feel like mental illness, such as mania, depression, or obsessive-compulsive behavior.[2] A summary of the Brit's commentary by Wikipedia further identified other "love-sick" symptoms: anxiety, weepiness, insomnia, change in appetite, and upset stomachs. [3]
I find, however, the most interesting, remarkable and perhaps telling of all theories rests with recent magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) of the brain.
To grasp the importance of MRI--and how it might even determine whether you live or die without that guy--let's look at a romantic love study conducted by Dr. Helen Fisher, along with researchers Arthur Aron and Lucy Brown[4]. Dr. Fisher is a noted expert and biological anthropologist and research professor at Rutgers University. Dr. Fisher and Friends suggested, “romantic love is one of three primary brain systems that evolved” in birds and mammals “to direct reproduction.”
According to Fisher and Friends, our sex drive motivates us to seek a range of reproduction partners, attraction helps us find that special someone with whom we mate, and attachment keeps us together long enough to raise the kiddies. All of these brain, sex drive, and emotional features promote the survival of the human (as well as other a mammalian and bird) species.
However, according to yet another study, it turns out a completely different area of the brain is associated with early romantic love than with species-survival. It is the region of the brain responsible for our most basic, human needs: thirst, hunger and craving.[5]
Now, that makes sense. Especially, when we consider our dating rituals, how we combine these elements with sexuality, attraction and attachment: the romantic, candlelit dinner, a bottle of champagne, the box of chocolate candy, a diamond ring.
Thirst, hunger, and craving.
Wonder if this finding will eventually up-end Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs? The father of Humanistic Psychology, Maslow developed “A Theory of Human Motivation”, which organized human needs in pyramid-fashion from our lowest and most basic (physiological and security) to the more complex (Social, Esteem, and Self-Actualizing).[6]
Maslow did not consider our social needs, which include the need for belonging, love, and affection, to be as basic and critical as our physiological (water, air, food and sleep) or security needs (safety and shelter).[7]
Yet, if the “mental” illness, or disequilibrium, or craziness we experience when we are “in love” images through MRI in the part of the brain associated with thirst, hunger and craving—well then, maybe love, being in love, and attaching to someone we are attracted to and find sexually desirable, is as basic and critical to our individual selves as continuing the human species.
As critical to our day-to-day survival as a glass of water, loaf of bread, sweet dreams, and the air we breathe. All of which we'd certainly enjoy more if we shared them in the safety and shelter of a cave, nest, apartment or home we created, together, with a partner that we happened to love.
So, maybe Voodoo is the key to everything--falling in love certainly changes us (at least for a little while) from whom we were to someone even we don't recognize. Our behavior changes, according to the Brits, making us seem a bit crazy, maybe insane. And, we feel kind of icky-sick. Kind of like having pins poked into your brain, heart, tummy-tum-tum, all at once.
Whether its Voodoo or insanity, one thing's for sure: if romantic love plays havoc with the part of brain critical to the things we can't live without, like food and water, then at least we now understand folks that say "I can't live without you!"
Maybe, indeed, they really can't!
[1] Truly, madly deeply in love. 2008 Press Release. © 2000-2008 The British Psychological Society
[2] Ibid 1
[3] Love Sickness. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love_sickness
[4] Romantic love: a mammalian brain system for mate choice. Fisher, H.E., Aron, A., & Brown, L.L. Philosophical Transactions of the Royal Society B (2006) 361, 2173-2186 (published on-line November 13, 2006).
Read more!
Her family of origin devolves from Sicily and Northern Italy. To listen to her, though, one would think she drew from the Bayou swamps, a jambalaya reprise of the Fates, those Greek witches who pulled and manipulated the strings of humanity. Truth is, the only cauldron my mother ever stirred contained a boisterous Crawfish Etouffe or an outrageous Gumbo. Yet, if you cross her, get in her way, try to beat her at cards, she mutters under her breath, flings her fingers in your face, and puts the Cree-Cree on you. A spell. A voodoo-thing.
That or she says a million Novenas.
It’s the voodoo thing, I’m interested in, though. Because voodoo, according to popular culture, is the magic that makes men “fall down-down-down” and “spin round-round-round,” as if they had no control whatsoever over their senses and personal will power about women and love, or lust.
Well, maybe they don’t.
But then, do women either?
I guess it depends on whether you consider "love" a bit of black magic, insanity, or something that drives us to hook up with someone who makes us feel as if we couldn't live another day without them.
Let's start with the insanity defense: in a 2008 press release, The British Psychological Society pondered love as a sickness.[1] The Brits remarked it has only been in the last 200 years medical doctors ceased considering love a clinical diagnosis. Now, however, practitioners are revisiting what was otherwise thought to be an ancient, misguided, if not ridiculous assumption.
Love, after all, does indeed cloud our decision-making, and steer us through a range of emotions and mood swings, all of which smell, taste and feel like mental illness, such as mania, depression, or obsessive-compulsive behavior.[2] A summary of the Brit's commentary by Wikipedia further identified other "love-sick" symptoms: anxiety, weepiness, insomnia, change in appetite, and upset stomachs. [3]
I find, however, the most interesting, remarkable and perhaps telling of all theories rests with recent magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) of the brain.
To grasp the importance of MRI--and how it might even determine whether you live or die without that guy--let's look at a romantic love study conducted by Dr. Helen Fisher, along with researchers Arthur Aron and Lucy Brown[4]. Dr. Fisher is a noted expert and biological anthropologist and research professor at Rutgers University. Dr. Fisher and Friends suggested, “romantic love is one of three primary brain systems that evolved” in birds and mammals “to direct reproduction.”
According to Fisher and Friends, our sex drive motivates us to seek a range of reproduction partners, attraction helps us find that special someone with whom we mate, and attachment keeps us together long enough to raise the kiddies. All of these brain, sex drive, and emotional features promote the survival of the human (as well as other a mammalian and bird) species.
However, according to yet another study, it turns out a completely different area of the brain is associated with early romantic love than with species-survival. It is the region of the brain responsible for our most basic, human needs: thirst, hunger and craving.[5]
Now, that makes sense. Especially, when we consider our dating rituals, how we combine these elements with sexuality, attraction and attachment: the romantic, candlelit dinner, a bottle of champagne, the box of chocolate candy, a diamond ring.
Thirst, hunger, and craving.
Wonder if this finding will eventually up-end Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs? The father of Humanistic Psychology, Maslow developed “A Theory of Human Motivation”, which organized human needs in pyramid-fashion from our lowest and most basic (physiological and security) to the more complex (Social, Esteem, and Self-Actualizing).[6]
Maslow did not consider our social needs, which include the need for belonging, love, and affection, to be as basic and critical as our physiological (water, air, food and sleep) or security needs (safety and shelter).[7]
Yet, if the “mental” illness, or disequilibrium, or craziness we experience when we are “in love” images through MRI in the part of the brain associated with thirst, hunger and craving—well then, maybe love, being in love, and attaching to someone we are attracted to and find sexually desirable, is as basic and critical to our individual selves as continuing the human species.
As critical to our day-to-day survival as a glass of water, loaf of bread, sweet dreams, and the air we breathe. All of which we'd certainly enjoy more if we shared them in the safety and shelter of a cave, nest, apartment or home we created, together, with a partner that we happened to love.
So, maybe Voodoo is the key to everything--falling in love certainly changes us (at least for a little while) from whom we were to someone even we don't recognize. Our behavior changes, according to the Brits, making us seem a bit crazy, maybe insane. And, we feel kind of icky-sick. Kind of like having pins poked into your brain, heart, tummy-tum-tum, all at once.
Whether its Voodoo or insanity, one thing's for sure: if romantic love plays havoc with the part of brain critical to the things we can't live without, like food and water, then at least we now understand folks that say "I can't live without you!"
Maybe, indeed, they really can't!
[1] Truly, madly deeply in love. 2008 Press Release. © 2000-2008 The British Psychological Society
[2] Ibid 1
[3] Love Sickness. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love_sickness
[4] Romantic love: a mammalian brain system for mate choice. Fisher, H.E., Aron, A., & Brown, L.L. Philosophical Transactions of the Royal Society B (2006) 361, 2173-2186 (published on-line November 13, 2006).
[5] Romantic love: A Basic Human Need, February 2007 (www.almotamar.net/en/1994.htm)
[6] Hierarchy of Needs: The Five Levels of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. Kendra Van Wagner, About.com. (http://psychology.about.com/od/theoriesofpersonality/a/hierarchyneeds.htm) [7] Ibid 6
[6] Hierarchy of Needs: The Five Levels of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. Kendra Van Wagner, About.com. (http://psychology.about.com/od/theoriesofpersonality/a/hierarchyneeds.htm) [7] Ibid 6
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Saturday, March 21, 2009
Call for Remarried Women 50 and Older
Hi there, Ladies.
It's been several months since I've posted, but I've had plenty going on, all very positive. If you check out the About Me section in the far right column, you'll notice a couple of content changes. I am now a Life Coach and expect to be taking clients in May. I'm loving every minute of it!
And, I'm working on a book titled Remarriage in Midlife: 10 Things Women Over 50 Should Think About Before Saying I Do a Second--or Third--Time! (Copyright Catherine Rain, 2009).
I'm having so much fun with this project, especially since it gives me the opportunity to creatively combine my research and writing skills. And to share really important information with 50-something women, who either are contemplating remarriage, or have taken the step, but need a little advice and support.
A book like Remarriage in Midlife can only be enhanced by real-life stories; stories told by women who have been there, done that (like myself!). I'm openly sharing some of my experiences--but just as people are different, so too, are their problems, solutions, and lessons learned. Hearing from a variety of you, I think, would not only make the book much more interesting, but far more beneficial for other women in the process of making such a tremendous life change, especially in midlife!
Therefore, I'd like to invite you to send in your stories, by commenting to this post.
So that you can make an informed decision about whether you want to share your story, let me give you a little more information.
Protection of Confidentiality and Privacy
Some of you participated in my research study several years back about midlife marital choices of divorced women. If you were one, then you know I handle all information with confidentiality and privacy.
For those of you who don't know me, let me assure you that as a consultant with an organization holding membership in the American Psychological Association, I am obliged to meet APA's ethics and standards.
I am also a member of the American Evaluation Association, the Southeast Evaluation Association, and the American Association of Health Educators, all of which require me to meet professional ethics and standards, especially with regard to protecting the confidentiality and privacy of individuals that share personal and private information with me.
To protect your information, be assured:
1. I will never use your name or any information that would identify you. In some cases, I might change your age, or a minor detail of the information you provide, to further camouflage your identity.
2. I will publish your comment to the Midlife Ventures website, only if you give me permission to publish it, i.e., include in your comment "Okay to Publish to Website."
3. If you want to contribute your story, but do not want your comments posted to Midlife Ventures, then include in your comment "Do not Publish to Website."
4. If you have any questions about how this works, comment to this post, and I will review and reply.
What Kind of Stories Am I Looking For
I'm looking to hear your experiences about certain topics, such as:
Read more!
It's been several months since I've posted, but I've had plenty going on, all very positive. If you check out the About Me section in the far right column, you'll notice a couple of content changes. I am now a Life Coach and expect to be taking clients in May. I'm loving every minute of it!
And, I'm working on a book titled Remarriage in Midlife: 10 Things Women Over 50 Should Think About Before Saying I Do a Second--or Third--Time! (Copyright Catherine Rain, 2009).
I'm having so much fun with this project, especially since it gives me the opportunity to creatively combine my research and writing skills. And to share really important information with 50-something women, who either are contemplating remarriage, or have taken the step, but need a little advice and support.
A book like Remarriage in Midlife can only be enhanced by real-life stories; stories told by women who have been there, done that (like myself!). I'm openly sharing some of my experiences--but just as people are different, so too, are their problems, solutions, and lessons learned. Hearing from a variety of you, I think, would not only make the book much more interesting, but far more beneficial for other women in the process of making such a tremendous life change, especially in midlife!
Therefore, I'd like to invite you to send in your stories, by commenting to this post.
So that you can make an informed decision about whether you want to share your story, let me give you a little more information.
Protection of Confidentiality and Privacy
Some of you participated in my research study several years back about midlife marital choices of divorced women. If you were one, then you know I handle all information with confidentiality and privacy.
For those of you who don't know me, let me assure you that as a consultant with an organization holding membership in the American Psychological Association, I am obliged to meet APA's ethics and standards.
I am also a member of the American Evaluation Association, the Southeast Evaluation Association, and the American Association of Health Educators, all of which require me to meet professional ethics and standards, especially with regard to protecting the confidentiality and privacy of individuals that share personal and private information with me.
To protect your information, be assured:
1. I will never use your name or any information that would identify you. In some cases, I might change your age, or a minor detail of the information you provide, to further camouflage your identity.
2. I will publish your comment to the Midlife Ventures website, only if you give me permission to publish it, i.e., include in your comment "Okay to Publish to Website."
3. If you want to contribute your story, but do not want your comments posted to Midlife Ventures, then include in your comment "Do not Publish to Website."
4. If you have any questions about how this works, comment to this post, and I will review and reply.
What Kind of Stories Am I Looking For
I'm looking to hear your experiences about certain topics, such as:
- What helped you make your decision to either remarry, or remain single?
- What did you worry about the most: financial issues, pre-nuptial agreements, step-family issues, issues involving former spouses (yours or his), life stage, later-life health issues, life or career transitions, living with a man again, etc.?
- What was the biggest problem you encountered and how did you solve it (tips for others)?
- If you had to do it all over again, what would you warn other women to beware of, avoid, or celebrate?
When you comment, you can either respond to all four of these bullets, or only one--or send something completely different that you think women over 50 should hear, no matter what!
Other Information
If you don't mind, when responding, please describe who you are by:
- Age (can give exact age or an -ish description)
- Current marital status
- If you have children of your own, how many and their developmental stages (e.g. teens, college-age, adults)
- Whether you work part-time, full-time, or not at all
- Any other information you think would be helpful
One more thing: contributors will not be paid for sharing their stories. However, if you'd like me to list you in the Credits part of the book, please provide me with your full name and permission to use your name. Again, I will not publish your name on line, unless you include your name and tell me to publish your comment.
I so look forward to hearing from you!
Keep watching Midlife Ventures for preview chapters. Interested in your feedback!
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